One Question… Five Different Directions - Funniest Season 12 Moments | Jimmy Carr

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[00:00:00]Did you know for example 25% of men think their eyes are their best feature?

[00:00:04]Let me think. Buns, guns, pecs, nads.

[00:00:07]Little Jimmy Johnson eyes. Six best.

[00:00:11]The world's oldest goldfish was 42. He put his long life down to regular early morning swims.

[00:00:19]And the average life expectancy in the UK is 80 years. Does not include Scotland. Terms and conditions apply.

[00:00:28]Right, let's get started.

[00:00:35]63% of people said someone who drinks too much is worse than a fussy eater. I think a fussy eater is worse. If she won't put that in her mouth, she's not going to like what I've got planned for dessert.

[00:00:47]Well, this tastes coppers.

[00:00:54]Of course, Elvis is credited as as kicking off rock and roll. Of course, these days, Ollie, people don't even know what show he was on.

[00:01:02]>> They did Frank Sinatra as well, though.

[00:01:04]Michael Jackson.

[00:01:06]>> Michael Jackson. You said Michael Jackson was a was a was a big influence.

[00:01:08]>> King of pop. Yeah.

[00:01:10]>> King of pop.

[00:01:10]>> I think he's influenced any artist in this industry. Massive.

[00:01:13]>> Not not just in this industry.

[00:01:18]>> He didn't say anything.

[00:01:20]>> Really held back. No. Say what you want about him. He was a hell of a pedophile.

[00:01:23]Um, I went to Australia. I didn't find them very welcoming cuz I'm I'm quite fair skinned and wearing shorts was a big deal. So on the first day I was there, I walked into a cafe and the guy behind the counter looked up at me and went, "I don't know where it is you're from, mate, but I'm guessing it's winter there."

[00:01:48]>> I'm from Wales. It's been winter there for years.

[00:01:58]Yes, bad manners are the most annoying thing about modern life. My granddad used to insist on standing up whenever a lady walked into the room, which ultimately is what led to him losing his disability living allowance.

[00:02:10]So, they reported that there are six people in Birmingham. That's not a protest against global. That's the most depressing indictment of the fact that no one really cares. Six tents in the center of Birmingham. Bring down the capitalists.

[00:02:26]Look, don't don't diss the fact it's six people cuz you know, poor poor Elliot here has got to go to Stockholm and play a four.

[00:02:37]>> Did you know, for example, pensioners can save £3 a day by not putting on their heating, which over the rest of their lifetime could save them a whopping £9.

[00:02:50]66% of men are superstitious. I have a few superstitions. I'm scared of cats and I hate the numbers eight and 10. But fortunately, doesn't really affect my life.

[00:03:00]And 8% of people have had their wallet stolen in the last 5 years. When someone stole my wallet, I was devastated. I'd had that condom since I was 14.

[00:03:11]>> Okay. So, most people would rather diagnose themselves on the internet than visit a doctor. I like to um ask a few people.

[00:03:19]>> If you get like best of five, you know, if three people think you should go to the doctors out of five, then you go to the doctors and you you just lob it out.

[00:03:26]Get a few people to have a look.

[00:03:28]>> Lob it out.

[00:03:29]>> Yeah. And then >> Yeah. Show a few people first because you must get annoyed with people going to the doctors that have got nothing as well. You must get annoyed by people turning up and going, "Have a look at this."

[00:03:37]>> Do you think people turn up and just show up?

[00:03:40]>> Have you got the feeling that anyone's just shown up and gone, "Have a look at this?" Yeah, >> that is a corker in it.

[00:03:47]>> You don't see many like that, do you?

[00:03:48]That is perfect. We'll take a picture.

[00:03:50]>> It's happened to a colleague of mine. I was She had to do an examination on a chat when she was a student and um thought you had to examine the willie when it was hard, not floppy. So, it was sort of sexual. I don't know who Ta.

[00:04:03]>> I think someone whoever did should get a special prize.

[00:04:07]>> I just have to examine you here.

[00:04:10]>> Not really. that basically did just that.

[00:04:14]>> What I had to give I just have to wake him up.

[00:04:18]>> And it was an elderly gentleman who was examining who couldn't believe his luck.

[00:04:29]>> Yes. The blank email system failed several times in the past week. You'd have thought Steve Jobs's ghost would have had better things to do.

[00:04:37]>> You saying true? You're saying >> what you think? Yes. As well.

[00:04:39]>> Yeah. Go on. Okay, I can tell you the answer is true. 83% of people would face their greatest fear if they were paid enough money.

[00:04:52]People appear on shows like I'm a Celebrity to conquer their worst fears, like not being famous anymore.

[00:05:03]>> I was never famous anyway.

[00:05:06]>> Nation sweetheart. Uh, so you said true.

[00:05:10]Uh, John, what do you think? True or false?

[00:05:12]>> Well, I'm going to have to say false because there's no such thing as dance.

[00:05:17]>> He's learned nothing this even.

[00:05:20]>> Okay. Well, I can tell you the answer is true.

[00:05:26]Yeah. 64% of people think being a bad dancer is more embarrassing than being bad at sport. I quite often catch a girl's eye when I'm dancing, usually with my elbow.

[00:05:36]Of course it is.

[00:05:41]>> Yes. It's been alleged Justin Bieber has fathered a love child with a fan. It's alleged Bieber only had sex with a girl once and that it lasted 30 seconds.

[00:05:49]That's pathetic. I could do it twice in 30 seconds.

[00:05:57]Well, surprisingly, that's not one of our top three talking points. The other big news in XFactor this week is that Johnny is out. No [ __ ] Sherlock.

[00:06:06]I now love the [ __ ] >> When they say Craig Pulton could be bigger than Subo, they're not just talking about his singing career.

[00:06:19]Hey, even if he does get kicked out, it's not the last we'll see of him on TV. There's always embarrassing bodies or inside Nature's Giants.

[00:06:29]Did you know, for example, 80% of all pictures on the internet are of naked women? Who knew?

[00:06:36]Men knew.

[00:06:39]7% of Britons have got in trouble telling lies at work. In my experience, they get particularly upset when they find out you're not actually a doctor and that isn't actually a thermometer.

[00:06:50]And apparently the human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 foot isn't the type of thing you should write in a Valentine's card.

[00:06:58]>> Go short.

[00:07:01]Is it the collapse of the Blackberry messaging system? That's >> they had they had what they described as a catastrophic outage.

[00:07:09]>> I had one of those once after a reheated prawn curry.

[00:07:16]>> I did that. I did that Let's Dance for Comic Relief. I did Hey Mickey and I didn't get into the final. I worked so hard on that. I work harder on that than I've ever than I did in my A levels.

[00:07:27]>> Yeah, I watched that. You're crap.

[00:07:28]THAT'S WHY. BUT RIGHT, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

[00:07:36]>> Let me Can I Can I get saucer and milk, please?

[00:07:41]>> Claws are up.

[00:07:42]>> I practiced so hard I actually fractured my wrist. Did you see my cart? FRACTURED WRIST.

[00:07:46]>> I DID THAT ON A FRACTURED WRIST.

[00:07:48]>> That was okay. And afterwards, >> you know, how did you fracture your wrist practicing?

[00:07:53]>> Oh, God. Look. What were you doing? What was the dance? You go, "Oh, Mickey." And I did it like that. at Hey Mickey in my kitchen. I have a small kitchen and I twatted it on the kitchen handle >> and that sorry your dance I didn't see it but your dance was that >> really and you didn't get through to the final you were robbed that's amazing they do a heat to direct play.

[00:08:18]Oh, you all right? You all right, love?

[00:08:19]Just having a dance.

[00:08:23]>> Um, Louis, when you watch other people dance, are you critical? Like when you see >> No, he's not critical at [ __ ] all, is it?

[00:08:29]>> Someone needs to let it go, Sh. Someone needs to Well, even that's better than yours.

[00:08:38]>> Say let it go.

[00:08:43]>> Yes. Learning to drive.

[00:08:46]The Institute of Driving instructors recommend taking 44 lessons before you attempt your test in much the same way that McVitties recommend you eat a lot of biscuits.

[00:08:59]IT IS the Euro zone crisis has left Italian leader Sylvio Berleskarnney in an awkward position attempting to maintain an erection while talking on the phone to Angela Merkel.

[00:09:14]have we been to the moon? And she goes, "They say we've been to the moon." When I go, "Well, yeah, they said it, but have we been to the moon?" She goes, "They said we've been to the moon." I go, "Have we or have we not been to the moon?" She goes, "It's not physically possible to go to the moon as a human."

[00:09:30]Like that there's She said, "The radiation is so thick after you get to 700 miles above the Earth that our skin would fall off."

[00:09:37]>> Well, I think we've got to try it. And I nominate Ollie.

[00:09:42]>> Well, because you might not come back.

[00:09:47]>> Oh, you're too adorable. Look at all your face.

[00:09:50]>> But surely, Russell, there's been so many programs exploding the the conspiracy theories around it. Not all astrophysicists are sort of in the thr of NASA.

[00:10:00]>> Also, the astrophysicist you met was getting a photo with you as you walked onto a bus.

[00:10:05]I think some of the finest astrophysicists aren't waiting by the bus.

[00:10:09]>> Did you know, for example, three in 10 households don't own a book? And before you start arguing, the Domino's menu is not a book.

[00:10:19]Scientists claim that up to 70% of British men are related to Tooten Carmoon, I think what they're saying is somewhere in the very distant past, we've all got the same mummy.

[00:10:32]And 52% of dog owners pet their pooch whilst driving. I sometimes pet my girlfriend's pooch whilst driving, but I stroke her puppies first. I'm not an animal.

[00:10:44]Yes, of course.

[00:10:46]Number one.

[00:10:48]Yes. Having children. Doctors warned women should have a baby by the age of 35 to avoid the risk of being deafened by their ticking biological clock.

[00:10:58]>> X Factor.

[00:10:59]>> Have you been talking about Xactor?

[00:11:00]What's been going on in X Factor? Tell me everything.

[00:11:02]>> There's been the the bullying with Misha and whoever else she was doing it with.

[00:11:06]>> It's Misha B, isn't it?

[00:11:07]>> Yeah, Misha B. You get me.

[00:11:10]>> I'm not Misha B though. Yeah, I don't think it was bullying. I think it was just show bisbant. She was meant to be bullying. Sammy.

[00:11:17]>> Sammy. There you go.

[00:11:17]>> But Sammy said she wasn't. Sammy said, "Look, I'm 6'2, 20 stone."

[00:11:22]>> Who said Sorry, who said this?

[00:11:23]>> Sammy.

[00:11:23]>> Can you say that again, please?

[00:11:24]>> Yeah. Sammy.

[00:11:26]>> Sorry. Who was it?

[00:11:28]>> If you want me to spit at you, I said Sammy. I said Sammy. Sammy. Sammy.

[00:11:31]>> Ironic that we're talking about bullying as I do this. Say Sammy again. Sammy.

[00:11:36]So, hold that. I should just I I should just say because I was teasing you a little bit there. If you're being bullied because you've got a speech impediment, there are people you can talk to.

[00:11:50]But it will take [ __ ] ages and they may talk about that.

[00:12:00]>> Yes. Protesters continued to camp outside St. Paul's Cathedral. In response to the ongoing protest, Barkclays closed its doors. Goldman Sachs gave all its profits to charity and a flock of pigs swooped majestically across the city sky.

[00:12:13]>> What's Joey Barton?

[00:12:14]>> Do I know Joey Barton?

[00:12:15]>> Do you know him?

[00:12:15]>> I I know of Joey Bart. Yeah, he's a football quite offensive to anybody. I think he's jealous gel. He's totes jeal man.

[00:12:24]>> He's toast jeal of Tawi. I'm enjoying saying that. I don't understand any of those words.

[00:12:28]>> What happened with Joey Martin? What did he say about you?

[00:12:30]>> Um I'm not really sure. He basically just just like I think he was trying to mug a few people off saying >> he was mugging people off.

[00:12:38]>> Yeah.

[00:12:38]>> What does that mean?

[00:12:40]>> He was >> knocking their teeth.

[00:12:42]>> Yeah.

[00:12:48]Oh, >> basically we went to a premiere and I think he saw a few people there. So, um afterwards he decided to tweet just saying how we freaks, weirdos, things like that.

[00:12:59]>> He called you a freaking a weirdo.

[00:13:01]>> Call me a freaking weird. I was well offended.

[00:13:02]>> That's not nice, is it?

[00:13:03]>> He was tweeting at half one in the morning. So, stop tweeting. Go bed, man.

[00:13:05]On your ice cream.

[00:13:11]>> Yeah. Yeah. Joey B, what are you doing up at half one? You should be in bed.

[00:13:15]You're really naughty.

[00:13:18]>> And now, Kimberly, the Pussycat Doll started in in sort of Hollywood, didn't they? Was it?

[00:13:21]>> Yeah. In Los Angeles. Before I was even in the group, it was a dance troop for about 10 years at the Viper Room.

[00:13:27]>> Yeah.

[00:13:27]>> Mhm. Back when Johnny Depp owned it. He was actually the person that told Robin to give it a name. And that's where Pussycat Dolls was born.

[00:13:35]>> You were number You were number three in the Pussycat Dolls, aren't you?

[00:13:37]>> Number three.

[00:13:38]>> Well, sorry. I ordered it in my head.

[00:13:46]Did you know, for example, 29% of women under 30 say they want the perfect body?

[00:13:52]Well, here it is, ladies. Come.

[00:13:56]79% of people say they feel guilty putting recyclables in the bin. I get round it by placing my recyclables in a paper bag and throwing that in a hedge.

[00:14:07]And the average woman walked 7,000 miles in her lifetime whilst hoovering. And that statistic is brought to you by the year 1953.

[00:14:17]>> That's a natural tan, is it?

[00:14:18]>> I've had sunburns, but I've quit sunburns now. I don't have no sunburns no more. So, >> you've quit sunb?

[00:14:23]>> My god. You've made some sacrifices, haven't you?

[00:14:25]>> When did you quit sunb?

[00:14:27]>> Last week.

[00:14:31]>> So, uh, what's your daily regime beauty wise? What do you do beautywise?

[00:14:34]>> Obviously, you know, I wake up, look at myself, and I think, but then I get then what? Then I get in. Get in a shower. Do Yeah.

[00:14:44]Afterwards. Bang. Bang. What are you saying?

[00:14:49]>> Bang. Bang. And who's over there?

[00:14:51]>> That was meant to be the mirror.

[00:14:52]>> Oh, I thought that was your carer.

[00:15:01]>> Yes.

[00:15:04]Yes. The pressure to diet and keep fit is annoying. Some ladies don't exercise because they worry they'll look stupid.

[00:15:10]Ladies, you don't look stupid. What's stupid about an 18 stone woman in size eight leggings sweating like a [ __ ] in church on a bike that's going nowhere.

[00:15:26]>> Do you eat fast food? You don't look as if you eat fast. Are you allowed to eat fast food? Does Simon tell you you can't eat it?

[00:15:31]>> No.

[00:15:32]>> I'm trying to just keep the timber down.

[00:15:34]You see? Try and keep in good shape.

[00:15:35]>> The timber down. timber.

[00:15:37]>> Don't say keep the timber down and do that cuz people think you're talking about something else.

[00:15:42]>> There's a wood connotation to timber.

[00:15:45]We're baby trying to keep the timber down.

[00:15:50]>> Well, surprisingly, that's not in our top three. People criticize McDonald's, but if it wasn't for McDonald's, where else would we take a [ __ ] in the town center?

[00:16:01]I will uh I will tell you the best way to patronize someone is to say you wouldn't understand.

[00:16:06]>> Ah okay.

[00:16:07]>> When you patronize someone you talk down to them nicely whereas condescension can be quite rude. You got that [ __ ] wits.

[00:16:16]>> Of course. Of course.

[00:16:21]Yes. This is the news that Libya is free now. Colonel Gaddafi has been killed. I was horrified when I saw those awful pictures of you smashed in face and then they shot him.

[00:16:33]>> Okay, so top reason people are jealous of their friends. I'll give you a clue.

[00:16:36]It's a really superficial thing.

[00:16:37]>> Yeah, it'll be money having a hot girlfriend by >> hair is not far off.

[00:16:41]>> Hair looks looks >> looks long arms.

[00:16:44]>> Long skinnier is the right answer. What? She got the right answer.

[00:16:49]>> Skinny skinnier.

[00:16:52]Yeah, that's apparently the top reason people are jealous of their friends is because they're thinner. Victoria Beckham's so thin she's got to be careful when she has a bath because if the water's too hot, she could turn into stock.

[00:17:09]Did you know, for example, a survey recently revealed the average British worker spends 25 minutes on Facebook every day? And that figure rises to 4 hours if they answer the question honestly.

[00:17:22]Four out of 10 workplace relationships result in marriage and six in 10 result in a written warning about the incident in the stationary cup.

[00:17:31]And almost a third of men aged between 20 and 34 live at home with their parents. The most common reasons being cost, convenience, and if you're from Norfolk, sex on tap.

[00:17:44]>> Well, it's Frankie Cosa, isn't it?

[00:17:47]>> After so much abuse, he's finally gone.

[00:17:50]Thank God >> I liked him.

[00:17:54]>> Couldn't sing. I mean, I cannot hold a tune, but he cannot sing.

[00:17:58]>> He couldn't sing, but he was on X-Factor. I'm not sure whether that really matters.

[00:18:01]>> Yeah. And I'm sure he's not the first one to do cocaine as well on there.

[00:18:05]>> What?

[00:18:07]>> He's saying cocaine. It's called the golden rule. That's what it is now. He's done a big line of the golden rule.

[00:18:14]>> They said he broke the golden rule. They also said in the papers they said that he spent the money he got from the M&S advert on cocaine presumably not just any cocaine >> from their ready to snort range.

[00:18:30]>> Yes indeed.

[00:18:34]>> Yes. Hollywood. If you're a pretty girl with a dream, then you should go to Hollywood. If that dream is to lie on a couch while being screwed by a fat bald man with a cigar, then so much the better.

[00:18:46]I can tell you that's not one of the most talked about things this week. But the Queen as head of state is obviously staying in Australia's most prestigious hotel, Lacers.

[00:19:01]I've never heard anything more Scottish than that. Take all the drugs that you can. Seriously, all of them. Get all of them. It's brilliant.

[00:19:09]>> It's like you only had the baby for the high.

[00:19:12]>> No, but it is really honestly I recommend it. expensive though.

[00:19:15]>> No, it's very expensive. Well, if they've worked out then it's on the National Health Service.

[00:19:22]>> No, he's saying having children raising children, not the drug.

[00:19:28]>> I know you're a gay that can get it for a favor.

[00:19:35]>> To raise a child is something that the average through its lifetime is £200,000.

[00:19:40]And that's not factoring in daddy's drinking, >> daddy's gambling.

[00:19:45]>> It's all worthwhile when they turn 13 and tell you that they hate you and wish you were dead.

[00:19:50]>> But then they'll look after you.

[00:19:52]>> Fast track that.

[00:19:53]>> They'll look after you when you're old.

[00:19:54]>> What?

[00:19:55]>> When you're old, they'll look after you.

[00:19:57]All the money that you've paid out, they'll have to >> I'm going to use the money I save to look after me.

[00:20:04]>> Although I don't have kids because tragically my girlfriend and I can't have children the way we do it.

[00:20:16]What do you think the nation should be talking about Joey Essex?

[00:20:19]>> Michael Jackson.

[00:20:22]>> What have you been saying about Michael Jackson this week?

[00:20:23]>> I don't know. I don't know whether it's true about him like you know you know that whole thing where did he did the doctor mean to kill him?

[00:20:32]>> Yeah. What do you think?

[00:20:34]>> I don't know. Well, it's been it's been fascinating talking TO YOU TODAY.

[00:20:44]YES, ONLY 33% of people think children today are given too much praise.

[00:20:48]Children respond best to supportive praise and gentle encouragement. And if that doesn't work, lock them in their bedroom and tell them Santa's dead.

[00:21:01]>> Yes, being bombarded with adverts is another thing that annoys us all. People say adverts aren't effective, but I know exactly who I would go to if I wanted to compare insurance quotes.

[00:21:11]Quotzzone.co.uk.

[00:21:14]Do you now do you now see you now meet patients and you look at it and you go do you want to be on telly?

[00:21:22]That is that is amazing.

[00:21:24]That is TV gold because that is a disgrace.

[00:21:29]It's like a badger that's been hit with a shotgun. My god.

[00:21:34]So, let's have a look and see if the Greek crisis is up there.

[00:21:42]>> Yes, the Eurozone crisis continues. The Greek prime minister, George Papandreo, may resign. I suppose if he does, he'll have to go back to his previous job running the in East Enders.

[00:22:00]>> So, those were the most talked about stories this week. But in other news, Steps are at the top of the album chart, having announced they're reforming. All they need now is to find a mutually convenient time when all of the bandmates are available. Basically, they've got to choose between tomorrow and every other day in the future.

[00:22:19]Yes. Rock and roll.

[00:22:22]Rock and roll was born in 1955 with Bill Haley's Rock Around the Clock and was beaten to death in 2009 by Joe McKeldry.

[00:22:30]>> You were robbed. Where is he now? E.

[00:22:34]>> Don't know. He's probably at home watching this.

[00:22:38]Hey, Melry.

[00:22:42]He's joking. Of course, he's driving the mini cab. Um, did you know, for example, male sparrows chirp insults at each other when trying to attract a mate?

[00:22:51]Mainly, you're looking at my bird.

[00:22:55]68% of teenagers say they've changed their eating habits as the result of celebrity chefs. They say celebrity chefs, they mean Ronald McDonald and Colonel Sanders.

[00:23:06]And 4% of the British population say they might be bisexual. Well, you either are or you aren't. You can't have it both ways.

[00:23:19]Yes, this is the story that FIFA tried to ban poppies being worn by the England team. FIFA relented after Prince William wrote them a strongly worded letter. Oh, please let us wear poppies or I'll be really sad. I'm going bald and I married the wrong sister.

[00:23:38]>> Yes, the Dale Farm saga continues.

[00:23:41]Wouldn't it be an idea if instead of throwing bricks at the police, they held on to a few of them and built a house?

[00:23:56]Yes, Dr. Conrad Murray has been found guilty of the manslaughter of Michael Jackson. The Jackson family told the prosecutor they've not just lost a pop icon, but a son and a brother and a valuable source of income.

[00:24:08]Okay, I can tell you the answer is false. 62% of men would rather be good at DIY than martial arts. They're right.

[00:24:20]In a fight, I let my fist do the talking. Please don't hurt me.

[00:24:36]Most men say that when they fall in love, they can't tell if it's the real thing. I can. I have a special little indicator that sticks up.

[00:24:46]>> It's to do with partners.

[00:24:47]>> Sexual partners.

[00:24:48]>> That is the right answer.

[00:24:55]Yes. The top thing British people lie about is the number of sexual conquest they've had. I've rounded mine up to two.

[00:25:10]What what I want to know is what was the question?

[00:25:15]The person that got it right said Muhammad Ali.

[00:25:18]She said, "MISSPICKING."

[00:25:24]YES. The most annoying habit is nose picking. I tell you, he was terrible at nose picking. Michael Jackson. He just could not make up his mind. I would rather visit a doctor.

[00:25:36]If I get diagnosed on the internet, I always make sure I get a second opinion from CFAX.

[00:25:44]Yes, indeed.

[00:25:46]Yes. The X-Factor bullying scandal has been in the news. They should have kept Sammy in. Not because she's good, but to help balance the stage when Craig is on the other side.

[00:25:56]>> You want a better chat up mine?

[00:25:57]>> Did you fall from heaven? Yeah.

[00:25:59]>> Cuz it looks like you landed on your face.

[00:26:05]>> Yes. The space race.

[00:26:08]Before mankind commits to the astronomical expense of returning to the moon, we need to ask ourselves some searching questions. Like how much cheese do we really need?

[00:26:18]>> I can tell you the answer is false.

[00:26:21]>> You got it. Yes.

[00:26:25]Yes. Only 43% of men said they'd be too embarrassed to have beauty treatments.

[00:26:28]These days, you can even get your [ __ ] bleached. That's what Liz Hurley did with Shane War.