How to Give Birth Defects - Goblins Guide

インデックス作成: 2026-05-22

[00:00:00]Hey, CPS. Yeah. Uh, I'd like to put in a tip for a disgusting freak that's watching my video right now. Oh, this is Domino's. No, no, no. Don't hang up.

[00:00:11]Don't hang up. Um, yeah. I'll I'll get a large pepperoni. So, you want to give your spawn birth defects? Well, you've come to the right place. Today, I'll be showing you how to give your child birth defects. As it turns out, there's an insane number of ways to prenatally upgrade your offspring. So, let's start with one with no controversy.

[00:00:35]Yeah, you're just going to want to vaccinate your children and make sure you feed them aluminum every night.

[00:00:41]While there is no concrete cause of autism, it has been linked to a couple of trends, notably premature births, genetics, and the age of the parents.

[00:00:50]But even that is still disputed.

[00:00:52]Luckily, a medical researcher recently found a cure.

[00:00:55]>> Yeah, my autism, for the most part, has been cured.

[00:00:57]>> For brevity, I'm going to abstain from mentioning purely genetic birth defects because that won't make an interesting video. Instead, we'll be looking at ways to increase your odds through your actions. Speaking of actions, the first thing you'll need to do is get pregnant.

[00:01:13]Now, I understand that's probably really difficult for most of my viewers.

[00:01:17]Fortunately, I've come up with a surefire way to get laid. Share my videos, guys. Raym content is a well-known aphrodesiac. And if you don't believe me, congratulations. Now you're pregnant. Or you got someone pregnant. GH. You're about to run a 40week gauntlet. And there's no time to lose.

[00:01:40]When a pregnant woman eats her drinks, so does the baby.

[00:01:43]>> So what will it be, sweetheart?

[00:01:46]>> Um, I want a double. No, a quadruple vodka water. All right. And for the little one, >> I HAVE A PLAN.

[00:01:53]>> When pregnant women drink, alcohol slips into the fetus's body, and their pathetic, immature liver is incapable of producing enough enzymes required to break it down efficiently. So, alcohol remains in the system for longer.

[00:02:08]What happened last night? Oh [ __ ] am I naked? Exposure to alcohol can make you really good at pool, but it also interferes with the brain's development.

[00:02:17]In fetuses, this is called fetal alcohol syndrome. It's associated with behavioral problems and physical deformities in the face and body. Man, we all know a guy who looks just like this. Tag a friend who has fetal alcohol syndrome down in the comments. I highly recommend finding two able-bodied people to spot you while doing keg stands. You don't want to fall over and crush the baby. That could seriously mess it up.

[00:02:41]Just like the liver, a fetus's immune system isn't battleh hardened, so it doesn't have the ability to effectively defend itself against infections. This makes it extremely vulnerable to pathogens transmitted by the mother, which means we'll need to find some more pathogens. Uh, wait a minute. This isn't a pathogen. It's an ad read. Boot.dev is an online coding platform that teaches you how to program using gamification.

[00:03:07]There's hundreds of lessons spanning anything from front end to backend and even sideend development. So today I thought it would be cool to show you my process while working through their learn SQL course. So here they're teaching us about CRUD which is an acronym used to describe the four different operations you use to edit a database. And right here they're telling us to run a command used for a read operation and use it to read all the fields in the records in the CRUD table.

[00:03:31]So you know I'm I'm pretty new to SQL but I'm learning. What you're going to want to do first is type in select. All right. Star for all from and then you're going to write in CRUD cuz we're using the CRUD table. And I'm going to run that.

[00:03:47]Look at that. Submit. Uh uh Sparkly.

[00:03:51]Wow. You can really feel the serotonin going through your blood. If you're interested in learning how to program, this is a great resource. Check out boot.dev dev and make sure to use my code raym to get 25% off your first year. Thank you boot.dev for sponsoring this video. And let's get back into birth defects. We can exploit weak immune systems by consuming raw fish, beef, and probably raw chicken. They're known to transmit parasites responsible for toxopplasmosis, which can lead to fluid accumulation in the brain and intellectual disabilities. Reubella can give your kid cataracts. And then there's the Zika virus that can shrink your infant's skull. I highly recommend investing in the bug catcher skill tree early. It allows you to quickly contract STI and STDs, which can really mess up your kid. For example, syphilis can cause babies to be born with deformed bones and jaundice. Babies with syphilis.

[00:04:49]Jesus Christ, that is horrible. I just found out HPV can rarely cause wart growths in the baby's throat. Pretty much every STI can be passed down to your children during delivery if you're not a C-section. But most won't cause structural damage, just internalized hatred. But don't worry, by the end of this video, your offspring will be so impaired that they won't be able to exact their revenge. Let's talk about smoking for a second. Big shock. It's bad for you. We've all heard it. And it can also make your child have breathing problems, a cleft pallet, and be born premature.

[00:05:31]Doing recreational drugs does more of the same. Pre-term births, impaired brain development, and behavioral problems. But there's been many cases over the years where doctor approved prenatal drugs have caused adverse harm.

[00:05:44]In the 50s, pharmacists created an over-the-counter drug called Theolyomide to reduce morning sickness for pregnant women. About nine months later, thousands of babies were born looking like Pokémon. It became apparent in the 60s that theolyomide resulted in babies not developing limbs. So, big pharma graciously pulled it from the shelves.

[00:06:04]Luckily, there's still a bunch of drugs on the market we can use, like Accutane.

[00:06:09]Okay, on a serious side note, do not Google Accutane babies unless you're prepared to see this. They basically look like their skin is turned inside out and crusty. Accutane increases your odds of birth defects by 30%. Symptoms include smaller absent ears, heart defects, cranial defects, and extreme skin reactions. I found a case where a woman was accidentally prescribed an androgen blocker that reduces testosterone production. While it doesn't always cause harm, it can result in the baby having ambiguous genitalia or a micro shrimp. I consulted an expert woman who informed me, and I quote, "Um, having your baby become a girl counts as a birth defect due to the fact that women suck."

[00:06:56]At this point in my research, I realize I've been ignoring something. Maybe I should consult people who have been pregnant, as they might be more qualified than I. Hey, Mom. Uh, are there any drugs that pregnant women shouldn't take? Oh, hi, my favorite child. I love you so much. You're so talented. There's a drug called tetracycan >> that can make your baby have gray teeth.

[00:07:19]Gray teeth? At least you can hide a micro penis. Birth defects aren't just medical, they're geopolitical. People always talk about how China is trying to rot the western youth with attention-seeking apps, but the West has been doing it for years in Asia. The British flooded Chinese markets with opium, which caused pregnant women to have children with clubbed feet and heart issues. And then the United States dropped nukes on dense Japanese civilian centers, which caused cancer growth and anime. And then they topped it off in Vietnam with Agent Orange, which is also linked to club feet, hip deformities, and infertility. In general, radiation and herbicide exposure can result in growth restriction, major structural malf formations, intellectual disability, and cancer later in life.

[00:08:08]Between drugs, chemicals, and radiation, we've covered a lot, but I've saved the best for last. Inbreeding. Well, well, actually, it's not the best. It's very disgusting. I hate this video. If you want your baby to look like a cat from Eugenics mixed with my Crusader Kings 3 character, inbreeding is the way to go.

[00:08:28]Inbreeding drastically increases the odds that a child will inherit two copies of the same harmful gene. Most people carry some sort of recessive mutation that isn't expressed. Now, normally this isn't a problem because parents are genetically diverse, making it highly unlikely that both will carry the same harmful recessive mutation.

[00:08:48]However, when inbreeding happens, closely related parents are more likely to share the same recessive genes, increasing the chance that their offspring will express a genetic disorder. Think of genes like a deck of cards. If you're stacking the same deck twice, you'll increase the odds of drawing the Hapsburg jaw and cystic fibrosis. Quick side note, I read this article from the BBC that said Charles II had a single testicle that was as black as Cole. So, if you want your kids to have a black testicle, uh, you know what to do. I'm not drawing that, you freak. A study was done in Brazil analyzing inbreeding deficiencies. The paper concluded that first cousin parents had a 12.3% chance of passing on birth defects, 11% for second cousins, and 9.8% for third. So, if we follow the math, the closer the common ancestor is, the worse it gets. And I will leave it on that. Hopefully, you learned something. Uh, I sure did. I am never going to get pregnant. Good luck to all you birth maxers and I'll see you in the next one.